Heart Like a Dog

The Good, the Bad, and the Oh My God of living with dogs!

Get a Male Dog They Said, They’re Easier Than Females They Said

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Some of you may remember the (hem, hem) ‘incident’ with Sampson and his morning friend. If you forgot, or you just want another chuckle, you can read about it HERE.

So..the saga continues.

Most days there isn’t an issue.

Some days we have instances where he’s licking, but it’s not out of control.

Rare days, we have full blown, rise to the occasion, issues.

This happened a few months ago. I got home from work and was changing into my walking clothes. As I was putting my shoes on, I noticed Sampson was once again, licking himself. His penis was enlarged, his ‘lipstick’ was beginning to show and he was panting heavily.

Clearly he was uncomfortable as he kept pushing at me to pet him. I reassured him he was okay, and we’d get outside as soon as possible, as that usually makes him feel better.

I figured it’s probably best to grab a urine sample, so I reached into the cabinet, grabbed my handy dandy urine sample kit and out the door we went. He hurried to the gate, a determined purpose in his steps.

Because it’s no fun when you’re covered in dog pee.

He had no trouble walking or urinating, and I easily obtained a sample. Then I wandered the neighborhood, flashlight, filled poop bag, urine sample, ladle and leash in my hand, while we finished our walk.

After walking Delilah, I hurried to the vet’s office to drop off the sample and asked if I could wait for the results. (It seemed counter-productive to drive home, only to turn around and come back for the antibiotic.)

After a few minutes Dr. Soutter came out and said “There’s no infection. There’s no blood in the urine, and no white cells.”

“So what could it be?” I questioned.

“His little adrenal could be shooting out some hormones…. His prepubice could be dry.”

Then she got a little red in the face and said, “You’re going to hate me for this, and forgive me for saying it, but try putting a little KY jelly on it.”

Say WHAT?

I said the first thing that popped into my head. “Um…I don’t think I have any KY jelly at home…”

“Here’s the good news, it’s everywhere,” she responded.

My next question, “Can I use Vaseline?”  (Hey! It beats the looks I’m going to get when I purchase that KY jelly.)

“NO! It has to be water-based.”

SO… I stopped at Rite-Aid on my way home.

Which is how I ended up with my dog stretched out on the bed, a tube of KY jelly in my hand.

“Get a male dog, they said. They’re easier then female dogs, they said.” (Who are you people, and why do you say such things?)

KY jelly.

On my dog’s prepubice.

I took a deep breath and squeezed a small amount on my finger, then I gently dabbed it in.

At first he sat up, and looked at me. He took a sniff of the KY. Didn’t seem interested and lay back down. I finished the dabbing, got up and went into the bathroom to wash my hands.

When I came out, he was laying on the bed, a huge smile on his face.

I feel like a cigarette might be in order here.

I felt dirty, so I went and took a shower. He was still smiling when I was done.

A little while later, I gave him his Kong, and went to work on a blog post.

He kept diverting his attention from his Kong to stare at me.

“WHAT? It’s not like I WANTED to do that,” I told him.

He looked at me again, then he dropped the Kong on the floor.

I got up, picked it up, as I leaned over to place the Kong in front of him…he sniffed my hair.

Siriusly.

WTF Wednesday – The People In My Neighborhood

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You all know about the dog people in my neighborhood. There are a couple of somewhat savvy owners, but mostly….well, there’s no nice way to put this.

They’re dumb asses.

Oh yeah, it’s THAT post. Where I share an encounter with one of the dogs/DADO’s in my neighborhood.

We’ve had encounters with this dog TWICE before.  (You can read about them here: First Encounter and Second Encounter.)

The dog is outside constantly, and you can hear him barking as soon as you turn down the street. Apparently there are two gates, one on the side of the house where we walk, and one at the front of the house. When he sees something of interest to him, he runs between the two gates. Biting and jumping to secure his freedom.

It was early February, and about 5:30/5:45 in the evening. It was still dark, and Delilah and I were walking past the Jackal, and he was barking.

Of course.

We had just crossed in view of the gate, when from the corner of my right eye, I saw this white blur streaking towards us. I don’t think I had time to warn Delilah, it happened so fast. Suddenly The Beast was upon us.

Maybe he used his pea brain and jumped that gate.

Since it was dark, I have no idea how the Barbarian escaped the fence. Maybe he squeezed his fat ass out between the gate, or maybe he got lucky and jumped the fence.  How he managed is neither here nor there. He got out of the fence and attacked Delilah.

I have a routine when an off-leash dog is heading our way.

If I have notice, I stop walking, and take the wait and see approach. This gives me time to try and put some distance between us.

When I don’t have notice, (such was the case with Tito,) I do a number of things.

  • I shout. “STOP,” “NO,” “GO BACK,” “GET IN YOUR YARD.”
  • I puff myself up to try and look bigger.
  • I stamp my feet.
  • I will take a few steps towards the dog, while stamping my feet, puffing myself up, and shouting, “STOP,” “NO,” “GO BACK,” “GET IN YOUR YARD.”

Since Tito was already attacking Delilah, I started shouting, but that didn’t work. So I did the next best thing.

I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could.

And when I screamed I discovered two things.

  1. It doesn’t matter how loud you scream in my neighborhood in February, no-one is going to come help you.
  2. Even if you’ve used the bathroom BEFORE you went on your walk, the force of a scream has effects on your bladder that you were not even aware of.

Yeah, I peed my pants. Right there in the street.

Recap of what’s going on at this point. My dog is fighting on the side of the road with a little demon spawn, I am right next to her, screaming and wetting my pants and trying to get Delilah away from the spinning, biting Tasmanian Devil.

After I got over the shock of that first burst of urine, I figured, what the hell? I have nothing to lose, I’ve already pissed myself. So I kept screaming.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, but was really only a minute, two cars came up the road, and thankfully, the first car saw me and slowed to a stop.  It slowly inched forward and using the car as a barrier, I somehow managed to get Delilah across the street.

Neither of those cars stopped to see if me or my dog were okay.

When I looked back, Tito was nonchalantly taking a piss on the side of the road, acting like nothing happened.

Fucker.

Well you know the dog’s motto : If you can’t eat it or play with it, piss on it and walk away.

 

That’s when I screamed at the house, “Get your dog you fucking moron.

Then, I took my wet dog, and my wet pants and made my way home.

As for the DADO, I figured he must have come out, and found his dog outside the fence.

I’m mean. Despite the fact that Delilah had once again been attacked by Attila the Hun, I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of this dim bulb coming outside and seeing his dog outside the fence.

Well he must have, because it looks like he made some fortifications on his gate.

SO…Tito was out last week on our evening walk, and coincidentally, so was his owner.  As we passed, the DADO said to the dog, “Tito, stop.”

When opportunity knocks….

I said, “He came out of the fence a couple of weeks ago.”

“He did?”

I wanted to say, you dumb fucker, you damn well KNOW he came out of his fence because you had to have found him.

Instead I said, “Yes, came right out of the fence and attacked my dog.”

And do you know what this DADO said?

Do you?

Well I was going to tell you, but I’d really rather hear some of your guesses. To make it a bit more fun, I’ll give away a $10 Amazon gift card to the first person who guesses what the dumb ass said.  (If you don’t live in the US, that’s okay, as long as you have Amazon in your country, go for it!) I will go by the time stamp on the comment if there are two of the same.  Also, I’ll let you know what he did say in Sunday’s post.

Hint, if you are a long-time reader and been following the DADO’s, this one really had me dumbfounded.

So…..what do you think Gerry said to me, when I told him Tito had attacked Delilah? Remember, this is WTF Wednesday. 🙂

Celebrate

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I haven’t done a real photo shoot in a while, so I thought I’d drag out an oldie, but goodie!

Whatever you celebrate….Easter, Passover or just hanging out and enjoying a meal, we wish you a peaceful and joyous day.

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