I talk to my dogs all the time. In fact, I talk to them like they can understand me.
But sometimes, sometimes I just can’t believe the things that come out of my mouth.
Like Friday when Delilah farted and I said to her, stand up when you do that, I want to get that on video.
Let me back track a bit.
Friday when I came home from work, I discovered Delilah had eaten some bubble gum. I typically don’t have bubblegum in the house, but I’d bought some for my grandchildren for their Easter baskets and left three pieces on the top of my desk.
The top of my desk, which is a good 4 feet high. It had been sitting there for the entire week, but for some reason on Friday, Delilah decided to climb on the top of my desk and eat the gum.
Wrappers and all.
Of course I panicked. I know certain sugarless gums contain ingredients that can be deadly to dogs.
While I was dialing the vet’s office, I was looking up the ingredient list online. As best I could tell there was nothing that could harm her, but better safe than sorry.
Most of the time when I call the vet’s office a person answers the phone, but there are occasions when the staff is busy and an answering machine picks up. The spiel is if you can leave a message please do so, if you feel you have an emergency press zero.
I pressed zero.
Me, after identifying myself: Yes, Delilah ate bubble gum.
Vet tech: How much gum did she eat?
Me: I think it was about three pieces. With the wrappers.
Vet tech: What kind of gum was it? Did it have Xylitol in it?
Me: It was sugarless Bubble Yum, original flavor. I don’t think it had Xylitol, but she ate the wrapper too, I’m on the website and I don’t think it does.
Vet tech: Hold on a minute, let me ask the vet.
Vet tech: How is she acting?
Me: She seems fine.
Vet tech: Okay, let me talk to the vet and check the information we have.
Half a minute passes.
Vet tech: Okay, I checked the information we have and that gum had no Xylitol in it, Dr. B says Delilah should be fine, but just keep an eye on her.
Me: Is she going to fart and blow a bubble out her butt?
Vet tech laughing: Oh my god, that would be awesome. No, no she shouldn’t, but if by chance she does, make sure you get a picture of it, I’m pretty sure it would make you some money.
Me: I bet it wins America’s Funniest Videos.
Flash forward a half an hour. I’m in the kitchen prepping dinner. Delilah saunters in and sits down. As is her custom when she sits in the kitchen, she farts.
Which is when I say, stand up when you do that, I want to catch that on video.
And for the record, she did not fart and blow a bubble out her ass. Truthfully, I’m kind of disappointed, I imagine I could have got a lot of mileage out of that one.
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